Mark Evans and The Pillar of Storgé
by Sir PJ Cadogan
Summary: Ha ha! Yes Mark Evans is back, suckers, and he’s the key to everything! He’s the Half Blood Prince, he’s Harry’s Great-Aunt, he’s the Heir of Gryffindor, he lives up the Pillar of Storgé, and he owns the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk!" R&R please


**Mark Evans and The Pillar of Storg**  
Chapter One: The First Chapter

**A/N: **This dedicated to all the geniuses who voted for wanting to learn about the amazing character, Mark Evans, instead of voting for whether or not Sirius was dead, because no one likes him anyway, with the exception these authors, (Ailuj and Luap) so suck on that old man. This is supposed to be used place of the sixth book, not the fourth, and if you haven't read that far go out and pay 20 bucks like the rest of humanity, you nonconformist loser. P.S. If you don't get any jokes in here, such as cuck, go to mugglenet chat, and for anything else go to JKR's web site.  
  
Summary: "Here he is, just a casual passer-by, nothing to worry about, bet you barely noticed him... Ha ha! Yes Mark Evans is back, suckers, and he's the key to everything! He's the Half Blood Prince, he's Harry's Great-Aunt, he's the Heir of Gryffindor, he lives up the Pillar of Storgé, and he owns the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk!" (JKR)

* * *

Harry looked out the window of number four, Privet Drive, searching for his owl and best friend in the muggle world, Hedwig. He sighed, she wasn't in sight. This summer had been the worst summer of all. No real letters from anyone, except Hagrid's, who kept talking about Grawp, and how even though he put him in St. Mungo's for a week, he really _was_ getting along better. Ron and Hermione started going out, and thus their letters had become sparse. Harry felt more isolated by the day, and dreams about his godfather were becoming more and more terrifying.   
  
Suddenly a yellow streak caught his eyes. The first thought that entered his mind was that perhaps it was Hedwig, as though he had forgotten the fact that Hedwig is indeed white. He noticed a piece of parchment attached to the creature's foot, and due to his innate arrogance immediately assumed it was a lost owl looking for him. He crept down the stairs, trying his best not to make any noise, for fear of the Dursley's rage. Harry walked passed Dudley's cabinet, well, actually, Harry's new cabinet, that was supposed to be for Dudley's quarter birthday. Dudley had almost chucked it out the window, but not even his bulbous self could carry it, so thus it became Harry's.  
  
Harry quietly unlocked the door, although when anyone tries to quietly unlock a door it is the loudest sound imaginable. He quietly stepped out into the yard, searching the skies for strange owl he had just seen. Suddenly it appeared. It was yellow and misshaped, it had thin crescent wings with a round body, and Harry wondered how the wings could support it's wings.   
  
"Hey little fella, come here," Harry whispered up to the large bird. Suddenly a window opened. Apparently Uncle Vernon had been awoken but the loudest key in the entirety of the cosmos. He shoved Dudley's old/ Harry's new cabinet out the window. It landed with a large thwack on Harry, rendering him unconscious.   
  
Harry awoke several days later in St. Mungo's.  
  
"Oh Harry! I'm so glad you're okay!" Mrs. Weasley gushed, while smothering him. Harry looked around, clearly confused.  
  
"Wha, what happened?" Harry asked, rubbing his eyes and feeling for his glasses.  
  
"Oh Harry, it was quite unpleasant." Hermione responded. "Those Dursleys are not nice people, really. Dumbledore was rather irate. But, you still have to return to them next year, because this year something foul is happening this year, and they don't care about your feelings."  
  
"You mean, with Voldemort? What's he plotting this time cloning himself, evil robots..." Harry began, but stopped while looking at the downcast looks of everyone around him.   
  
"Oh Harry, I bought all your stuff for school!" Mrs. Weasley cut in.   
  
"I didn't say you could use _my_ key!" Harry exclaimed.  
  
"Never mind that. You awoke just in time! The Hogwarts Express is leaving right now! They're sending special special portkey for you, Ron and Hermione."  
  
"Why are they going through so much trouble?" Harry inquired.  
  
"Because Ailuj is lazy and Luap is just plain insane," Ron said. Harry turned to see the two authors.  
  
"Zzzzzz....cuck," Ailuj said.  
  
"Writing it is easy. Filling it with subliminal messages undetectable to fanfiction.net is not," Luap stated, and then continued to mumble something about ferrets.  
  
Harry, Ron and Hermione all grabbed the portkey, which happened to be a candle stick. Harry enjoyed the familiar sensation of a hook pulling him behind his navel. Then Harry, Ron and Hermione found themselves in front of the door of the great hall, there stuff in a chaotic pile behind them. They entered, ignoring Hedwig's angry noises, and Hermione paid some random kid to take their things to Gryffindor tower. (As there are many random kids who don't need to see the sorting and know the Gryffindor password.)  
  
Upon entering, they quickly took their seats next to Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil. They both mouthed silent 'hey'. Harry looked up, hearing the familiar sound of a certain hat. But this years song was different, RATHER different..._Yo yo it's da sortin' hat, and I'm herre to say,  
Today is gonna be a verry special day,  
I capped five honkeys,  
And nailed five donkeys,  
I smacked a bitch and then a ho,  
All of this just to let you know,  
That Mark Evans is herre, and herre to stay,  
To make all you pansies look cucking gay.  
(cough I'M LOOKING AT YOU, HARRY! cough)  
_

Harry coughed up small piece of watercress from breakfast.   
  
"Mark Evans, where do I know that name... He lives on my street! But what's so special about him..." Harry didn't get a chance to finish his sentence because Lavender Brown was repeatedly smacking him with a smelly fish that had just appeared on the table.  
  
"Harry? You haven't heard about Mark Evans?" Ron asked, shocked and terrified, but he was soon silenced by the first kid approaching the sorting hat.  
  
"HUFFLEPUFF, you loser!" the hat bellowed. Another blonde haired mannish girl approached the hat. The seeming endless trail of lamewads continued like this until Mark Evans finally approached the Sorting Hat.  
  
"Hmm, interesting case here," the Sorting Hat said, this time speaking into all the Great Hall instead of just to Mark. "You're just too pimp for all of the houses, in fact, I think it is finally time that I do it. I know it is time, Mark Evans, you shall receive in the Pillar of Storgé!"  
  
The entire Great Hall gasped. Harry looked around, clearly confused.  
  
"What is the Pillar of Storgé?" Harry questioned. Ron opened his mouth to answer but Lavender pelted Harry with fish-attacks yet again. Dumbledore approached to make his speech and Ron shut his trap again.  
  
"Why hello! So lovely to see you all again, or for some of you, for the first time. May I introduce to you the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Bicycle," Dumbledore declared. A few scattered claps from all tables. "And Firenze is the returning Divination teacher, Professor Trelawney has decided to spend a year in Sri Lanka to soothe her aura..."  
  
Harry ignored Dumbledore and twiddled his thumbs. He turned towards Hermione, hoping she would have some more helpful insight.  
  
"What's important about Mark Evans?" Harry whispered to Hermione. "And what is this Pillar of Storgé thingy?"   
  
Just as that moment, Professor Bicycle jumped out of his seat, which was seated next to Mark Evans, since, having his special house, was directed to sit with the teachers. Professor Bicycle lumbered towards Harry, he was a rather old short man, with a monocle, cane and a top hat, but ordinary wizard robes. Bicycle enjoys to tap dance in his free time. He picked up the smashed fish that Lavender had recently slapped Harry with, and immediately smacked Harry across the face with it.  
  
"The Pillar of Storgé is your mother, Potter, and would you _please_ refrain from speaking when the headmaster is speaking you ungrateful brat? Thank you," Professor Bicycle waddled back to his seat, with the support of his cane, and the entire hall was silent. Most people, teachers and students, looked as though they were on the verge of soiling themselves. Snape, however, looked as if Christmas had just come early. Professor Bicycle took his seat once more and released amount of flatulence, and waited politely for Dumbledore to continued.  
  
Harry rubbed his head, which had not only been smacked by a fish but had also been recently hit with a unusually large cabinet. Once Dumbledore was done with his speech, the feast began. Harry was understandably hungrier than everyone, seeing as he had been in a coma for weeks. After stuffing himself mincemeat pie and water crest sandwiches, he turned back towards Ron and Hermione.  
  
"So, who is Mark Evans?" Harry asked.  
  
"He's probably even more famous than you, mate! He was mysteriously born from your Mum and Voldemort, yet was mysteriously born after she died! He's been living with muggles, and apparently it's been rather posh," Ron informed Harry, taking another swig of pumpkin juice. "I'm surprised _you_ of all people didn't know it, he_ is_ your half brother."  
  
"What about the Pillar of Storgé?" Harry asked, hiding the fact he was a bit miffed about Ron's comment, and completely ignoring the entire Voldemort raping his mother thing.  
  
"The Pillar of Storgé is the most legendary pillar of Hogwarts," Hermione said.  
  
"Constructed just over 500 hours ago, it was created in response to the prophecy." She continued.  
  
"What prophecy?" inquired Harry.  
  
"Oh that, Dumbledore got a special fortune cookie that instructed him to spend the school's budget building a tower for a special student that would start this year." She kept talking though everyone stopped caring.  
  
"Hey how come I didn't get a tower?" Harry asked, trying not to sound too conceited.  
  
"You're not royalty, stupid." Ron stated. "Mark Evans is the freakin' Half Blood Prince, Harry."  
  
"The Half Blood Prince?" Harry perked up. "What's that?"  
  
Hermione groaned loudly.  
  
"Harry, don't you ever pick up a book, ever?" Hermione replied. "According to legend, the Half Blood Prince will bring together the muggleborns and the purebloods together! And also, her has mind reading powers, when it's convenient for the writers, regeneration and he also can seduce any woman."  
  
"I think we've already brought part the muggleborns and purebloods together," Ron said coyly, giving Hermione a peck on the check. Hermione giggled and blushed, then proceeded to kiss Ron on the lips. Harry frowned, resisting the urge to tell them to get a room.  
  
Harry, Ron and Hermione walked out into the hall. Mark Evans came from behind Harry, carrying a cage with something yellow fluttering in it.  
  
"Hey! That's the owl I saw!" Harry exclaimed, looking at Mark's pet.  
  
"It's not an owl," Mark pointed out, somehow sounding superior to Harry." He's a space chicken. Or a cuckoo, as they're more commonly known as. This one was trained by yours truly to retrieve and send messages. It's a wonderful pet. It's name is Nougat."  
  
"Why'd you name it nugget if it's a space chicken?" Asked Neville Longbottom.  
  
Mark stood up walked over and gave Neville a pimp smack so potent it kicked Neville out of the rest of the chapter.  
  
"Wow! That's awesome!" Lavender exclaimed. "That's a lot cooler than Harry's owl."  
  
Harry frowned and walked ahead of everyone towards the Gryffindor common room, contemplating whether or not he should just go back to the muggle world, buy a bunch of black clothes from Hot Topic and write poems saying there is no meaning to life and that death is awesome and something about bleeding tears and being all emo like that. But then he heard people behind him gossiping.  
  
"Have you heard about Mark Evans? He's so smart he got Os on all of his owls! Dumbledore is promoting him directly to grade 6!" some third year girls giggled.  
  
"I got good grades on my owls!" Harry turned around. "I got mostly E's and an O and I didn't fail a one!"  
  
"No one asked you, freak," the girl said, looking at Harry as if he just told her he ate babies this morning for breakfast.  
  
And then Harry was alone.

* * *

**A/N: Ailuj: **This is a series, and it WILL be continued, but it'll take a week or so. But until then, pretty please REVIEW!!! Please??? Click that button, NOW!!! Or I will be sad and all emo like Harry and not update.   
**Luap:** My sister is a dirty liar, if we don't get enough reviews by next week we'll drop this like a bad spinoff of "Whose line is it anyway?" so review or it gets what it deserves. Lay off the flames and no one will die, yet....

Disclaimer: We really do own this, but not legally. So, uh, don't sue.


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